Hello my name is Curm and I am a Fordaholic. It has been less than 48 hours since my last blog about a Ford brother. I find myself checking Twitter each night before I go to bed and often I wake up in the middle of the night to check my feeds. I can’t take my dog for a walk in the morning before checking my Globe and CBC newsapps on my Blackberry to see if there is anything new on the Fords. If while walking the dog I see the Star carrier delivering papers I rush home to peruse the Front Page and GTA section before I go to the Y. If there has been “juicy” news reported I often cut my workout short or forgo it completely to sit in the change room and read both the Star and the Globe and Mail. I need help.
The Fords are affecting my social life. I can’t have a conversation with people without finding a way to change the focus to the Ford brothers. When watching TV I often surf Twitter and if something new comes up about a Ford I ask my wife to change the channel to CP24. This has caused some marital stress and she has told me that if I don’t get some professional help I will have to watch TV alone in the basement. Basements scare me, but not as much as missing the latest scandal by the Ford brothers.
While most people count sheep to fall asleep at night I count stupid things that the Fords have said. I am thinking about trading my Santa Fe in for an Explorer or even better an Escalade. I have taken to wearing suits with jackets too small so I can’t do them up across my gut and always have my shirt slightly untucked and tie askew. Although I don’t like poutine I find myself ordering it for lunch just for the gravy. I have developed a taste for vodka right out of the bottle and last night while walking the dog I almost urinated in a public park. This was when I realised that I had a problem.
Please help me before I do something really stupid like text while I drive, throw candies at children, drive drunk or run for mayor. I can’t even watch 22 Minutes without thinking that some lady with a sword will accost my children on my driveway. I am pretty sure that the police are following me everywhere that I go and I have a dartboard with Robin Doolittle’s face on it.