Monday, May 26, 2014

Days of Future Past

 During my youth I was a major DC comic book fan, counting Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern and Flash as my favourites.  I occasionally read Marvel comics with Spiderman, Hulk, Thor and The Fantastic Four being my favourites.  When it came to TV, DC seemed to have the edge in live action series including Wonder Woman and Batman with Marvel’s Spiderman ruling Saturday mornings.  Then came super hero movies and it first it appeared that DC would rule this genre with Superman and Batman leading the charge.  But now Marvel is the dominant force with several concurrent series including The Amazing Spiderman, The Avengers both as a team and separately and of course the most spectacular of all, The X-Men.  It is interesting that a comic book series than I never read and actually had little or no knowledge of has become my favourite action movie series.

This weekend we saw a collision between two X-Men worlds when Patrick Stewart’s Charles Xavier and Ian McKellan’s Magneto send Wolverine’s consciousness back in time to recruit James McAvoy’s Xavier and Michael Fassbinder’s Magneto into helping him defeat Mystique’s plot to assassinate defence contractor Bolivar Trask (anagram of Stark, nudge nudge wink wink).

For the past two X-men movies Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine has been the force that has held the stories together, but with the return of Bryan Singer as director the story is again the force and the characters players on his stage.  While still have trouble recognising Stewart’s Xavier in McAvoy, Fassbinder makes it very easy for us to believe that he grows up to become the totally bent Magneto that McKellan plays so perfectly.  As much as I think that Jennifer Lawrence might be the most gifted actor of her generation I still prefer Rebecca Ramjin’s Mystique.  Somehow Ramjin just looks more evil in the blue body suit than Lawrence.

The past in Days of Future Past is full of villains and although Magneto, Major (he hasn’t been promoted yet) Stryker and Trask are all deliciously evil they can’t hold a candle to one of the 70’s worst villains Richard Nixon.  Singer seamlessly blends archival footage with modern scenes to create a very realistic Trick Dicky.

Being set in 1973 also allows Jennifer Lawrence to dress up 70s style but this time considerably down market from American Hustle.

After of course saving the past Wolverine returns to a now completely altered future where all the X-Men who bought the farm in Last Stand are standing again.  One has to wonder though how long Kelsey Grammar had to spend in make-up for his 15 second walk-through as the Beast.  Of course even in the new future Wolverine loves Jean Grey and Cyclops dislikes Wolverine and of course somehow Charles Xavier knows everything.

Although at times I suffered from disorientation vertigo as I tried to remember who was who, what was their power and who was dead but not anymore this was a great movie in a great summer that has already given us Godzilla and Captain America: Winter Soldier.  Let’s hope Maleficent lives up to her hype!

Friday, May 23, 2014

Douglas Bruce Ford is NOT my brother!

Here on the shores of beautiful Lake Muskoka Rob Ford held a hastily called press conference to which only I was invited.  Rob was wearing a recently dry cleaned black suit and an open collar white shirt.  “I want to thank you all for making the long drive up here from Toronto, but I thought it was important that I clear the air about some things that have been happening in Toronto during my absence” Mayor Ford began.  “Last Thursday while at a community meeting at Division 23 of the Toronto Police Services Councillor Doug Ford made some unfortunate comments about Griffin Centre and its inmates that do not reflect the opinions of either me or the Ford family” he continued.  “Doug’s ill-formed comments would have angered my father’s good friend and my personal mentor Jim Flaherty if he had lived to hear Doug’s comments.”
At this point the mayor was clearly moved beyond words and had to stop and take a big swig of water.  The water obviously helped calm him, but it also caused him to start to slur his words slightly.  Then came to bombshell.
Douglas  Bruce Ford is NOT my brother!

Having been a long time follower and sycophant to the Ford family I was shocked by Rob’s words.  How could this be?  How could the man that had stood by Rob’s side through thick and thin, through rants and raves, through smoke and booze not be his brother?  Rob went on to explain. 

Late in the evening of November 19, 1964 the doorbell rang at the Ford residence.  When Ruth went to answer the door there was a Toronto Daily Star carrier bag on the doorstep with a note pinned to it.  When she looked down the street to see who had left the bag she saw a lone cyclist pedalling off into the distance.  She tried calling out to fleeing cyclist but the cyclist did not slow down, just made an illegal left turn and disappeared into the darkness.
As this was in the days before terrorist bombings and IEDs Mrs. Ford took the bag into the house.  She read the note:
Please look after my baby.  I know that you have lots of money and can give this child the love and nurturing that he deserves.  Please look after him as your own and tell no one about this.  I know that one day he will become a great man thanks to your upbringing”
What were the Fords to do?  One look at the baby revealed that it would be too ugly for anyone else to adopt so they decided to keep it.  They raised it as their own and a few years later another child was born and they named this child Robert.

Mayor Ford then introduced his mother Ruth Ford who continued the story talking about Rob’s and Doug’s childhood and the unnatural bond that grew between the two brothers.  She told how Doug had always been the ringleader and not only led his younger brother into trouble but also his older siblings.  The boys shared a room and late at night Ruth would often find Doug crouched beside his brother’s bed chanting things like “Girls are stupid and only good for one thing”, “Boys who kiss boys aren’t real men” and “Don’t Walk signals are for pussies.”.  Once Rob discovered football Doug often encouraged him to use kids from the Opportunity Class for tackling practice.

Ruth then showed this reporter a page from Doug Ford’s baby album.
Once Ruth was finished talking about the Ford brothers’ childhood, Rob took over with more interesting revelations.  It seems after Doug made his Griffin Centre comments Rob started to think about other times that Doug had sabotaged him.  Times like:
·      Doug asking Rob to pick-up some dope while on a vacation in Florida
·      Doug introducing Rob to Sandro Lisi
·      Doug inviting Don Cherry to speak at Rob’s inauguration
·      Doug constantly calling and texting Rob when he knew Rob was driving
·      Doug filling Rob’s water glass with vodka at council meetings
·      Doug filling Rob’s Tim Hortons cup with vodka when he was enjoying Taste of the Danforth
·      Doug convincing Rob that there was nothing wrong and to not get help
·      Doug telling Rob that he would be letting the family down if he didn’t go to the cottage on July 1 weekends
·      Doug continually egging him on to say stupid things on the Ford Nation radio show
·      Doug telling him to go to Chicago for rehab and then calling Homeland Security “as a joke”
·      Doug lending Rob’s car to Lee Anne McRobb
Rob claims the list is longer but didn’t have time to continue about all the times that Doug had set him up.  Then Rob delivered his biggest bombshell of the conference.  After becoming suspicious of Doug’s loyalty and learning how Doug had come in to the family, Rob hired a private detective agency to find out more. 

The agency discovered that Doug was in fact a “sleeper agent” imbedded in the family by a left-wing homosexual bicycle club to sabotage the family if and when appropriate.  It seems this group had delivered these time-bomb babies to many prominent conservative families but to date only Doug had been activated. 

The Ford Nation Sun promises to investigate this matter further and will tell our readers of the details once our investigation is complete.  In the meantime the Sun is asking anyone who received a “baby” between 1962 and 1975 that they weren’t expecting to contact the Sun editorial office.  We promise complete confidentiality unless the story is too good to keep a secret.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Hello my name is Curm and I am a Fordaholic

Hello my name is Curm and I am a Fordaholic.  It has been less than 48 hours since my last blog about a Ford brother.  I find myself checking Twitter each night before I go to bed and often I wake up in the middle of the night to check my feeds.  I can’t take my dog for a walk in the morning before checking my Globe and CBC newsapps on my Blackberry to see if there is anything new on the Fords.  If while walking the dog I see the Star carrier delivering papers I rush home to peruse the Front Page and GTA section before I go to the Y.  If there has been “juicy” news reported I often cut my workout short or forgo it completely to sit in the change room and read both the Star and the Globe and Mail.  I need help.
The Fords are affecting my social life.  I can’t have a conversation with people without finding a way to change the focus to the Ford brothers.  When watching TV I often surf Twitter and if something new comes up about a Ford I ask my wife to change the channel to CP24.  This has caused some marital stress and she has told me that if I don’t get some professional help I will have to watch TV alone in the basement.  Basements scare me, but not as much as missing the latest scandal by the Ford brothers.

While most people count sheep to fall asleep at night I count stupid things that the Fords have said.  I am thinking about trading my Santa Fe in for an Explorer or even better an Escalade.  I have taken to wearing suits with jackets too small so I can’t do them up across my gut and always have my shirt slightly untucked and tie askew.  Although I don’t like poutine I find myself ordering it for lunch just for the gravy.  I have developed a taste for vodka right out of the bottle and last night while walking the dog I almost urinated in a public park.  This was when I realised that I had a problem.

Please help me before I do something really stupid like text while I drive, throw candies at children, drive drunk or run for mayor.  I can’t even watch 22 Minutes without thinking that some lady with a sword will accost my children on my driveway.  I am pretty sure that the police are following me everywhere that I go and I have a dartboard with Robin Doolittle’s face on it.