Douglas Bruce Ford is NOT my brother!

Here on the shores of beautiful Lake Muskoka Rob Ford held a hastily called press conference to which only I was invited.  Rob was wearing a recently dry cleaned black suit and an open collar white shirt.  “I want to thank you all for making the long drive up here from Toronto, but I thought it was important that I clear the air about some things that have been happening in Toronto during my absence” Mayor Ford began.  “Last Thursday while at a community meeting at Division 23 of the Toronto Police Services Councillor Doug Ford made some unfortunate comments about Griffin Centre and its inmates that do not reflect the opinions of either me or the Ford family” he continued.  “Doug’s ill-formed comments would have angered my father’s good friend and my personal mentor Jim Flaherty if he had lived to hear Doug’s comments.”

At this point the mayor was clearly moved beyond words and had to stop and take a big swig of water.  The water obviously helped calm him, but it also caused him to start to slur his words slightly.  Then came to bombshell.

“Douglas  Bruce Ford is NOT my brother!”

Having been a long time follower and sycophant to the Ford family I was shocked by Rob’s words.  How could this be?  How could the man that had stood by Rob’s side through thick and thin, through rants and raves, through smoke and booze not be his brother?  Rob went on to explain. 

Late in the evening of November 19, 1964 the doorbell rang at the Ford residence.  When Ruth went to answer the door there was a Toronto Daily Star carrier bag on the doorstep with a note pinned to it.  When she looked down the street to see who had left the bag she saw a lone cyclist pedalling off into the distance.  She tried calling out to fleeing cyclist but the cyclist did not slow down, just made an illegal left turn and disappeared into the darkness.

 

As this was in the days before terrorist bombings and IEDs Mrs. Ford took the bag into the house.  She read the note:

Please look after my baby.  I know that you have lots of money and can give this child the love and nurturing that he deserves.  Please look after him as your own and tell no one about this.  I know that one day he will become a great man thanks to your upbringing”

What were the Fords to do?  One look at the baby revealed that it would be too ugly for anyone else to adopt so they decided to keep it.  They raised it as their own and a few years later another child was born and they named this child Robert.

Mayor Ford then introduced his mother Ruth Ford who continued the story talking about Rob’s and Doug’s childhood and the unnatural bond that grew between the two brothers.  She told how Doug had always been the ringleader and not only led his younger brother into trouble but also his older siblings.  The boys shared a room and late at night Ruth would often find Doug crouched beside his brother’s bed chanting things like “Girls are stupid and only good for one thing”, “Boys who kiss boys aren’t real men” and “Don’t Walk signals are for pussies.”.  Once Rob discovered football Doug often encouraged him to use kids from the Opportunity Class for tackling practice.

Ruth then showed this reporter a page from Doug Ford’s baby album.

Once Ruth was finished talking about the Ford brothers’ childhood, Rob took over with more interesting revelations.  It seems after Doug made his Griffin Centre comments Rob started to think about other times that Doug had sabotaged him.  Times like:

·      Doug asking Rob to pick-up some dope while on a vacation in Florida

·      Doug introducing Rob to Sandro Lisi

·      Doug inviting Don Cherry to speak at Rob’s inauguration

·      Doug constantly calling and texting Rob when he knew Rob was driving

·      Doug filling Rob’s water glass with vodka at council meetings

·      Doug filling Rob’s Tim Hortons cup with vodka when he was enjoying Taste of the Danforth

·      Doug convincing Rob that there was nothing wrong and to not get help

·      Doug telling Rob that he would be letting the family down if he didn’t go to the cottage on July 1 weekends

·      Doug continually egging him on to say stupid things on the Ford Nation radio show

·      Doug telling him to go to Chicago for rehab and then calling Homeland Security “as a joke”

·      Doug lending Rob’s car to Lee Anne McRobb

Rob claims the list is longer but didn’t have time to continue about all the times that Doug had set him up.  Then Rob delivered his biggest bombshell of the conference.  After becoming suspicious of Doug’s loyalty and learning how Doug had come in to the family, Rob hired a private detective agency to find out more. 

The agency discovered that Doug was in fact a “sleeper agent” imbedded in the family by a left-wing homosexual bicycle club to sabotage the family if and when appropriate.  It seems this group had delivered these time-bomb babies to many prominent conservative families but to date only Doug had been activated. 

The Ford Nation Sun promises to investigate this matter further and will tell our readers of the details once our investigation is complete.  In the meantime the Sun is asking anyone who received a “baby” between 1962 and 1975 that they weren’t expecting to contact the Sun editorial office.  We promise complete confidentiality unless the story is too good to keep a secret.